The old Kate would have been confused, taken it personal, wondered what she did wrong, blamed herself for all the ills and wrongs.
I talk about this Kate in the third person because I really do see her, my old me, as separate, an old shell I have shed after many days and nights of growth, healing, and discovery of my truth, through tangled sheets and tears and feelings of loneliness, shame and sorrow. I love this old me, her sensitivity, her vulnerability and rawness. She is jacked up on adrenaline, dramatic, passionate and hard to pin down, but she is also loveable and caring and good.
I put her down for a nap often, and lately she is very compliant and sleeps for hours sometimes days at a time, until something wakes her from her peaceful slumbers. A door slams. Someone talks to me harshly. I get snubbed. “I think you are wonderful, gorgeous, but this is just not the right time, place, blah, blah, blah…” And the old me stirs, hair a-mess. She raises her head from her drooled stained pillow and says, “huh?”
And this time around, instead of jumping up on her bed, hollering about my hurt feelings, “Wake up, wait until you hear this one!”, I go to her and say softly, “shhh, it’s ok, all is well, keep sleeping, shhh…”, as I smooth down her crazy hair and watch her brow slowly unfurl. And she is peaceful, and so am I.
I am not the rejection. I am not the hurt feelings. Because when we love from an open heart, both of ourselves at a deep soul level, and of others, even in their imperfections, then LOVE in that place is absolute. Could we have done better, could that person have been dead wrong, etc, etc.? Maybe… But does it truly matter? Does blame help? Explanations cure? I think not.
The next time you are in a similar scenario, try this: Wrap it up with a bow, all the whys and why nots, and tuck it under your pillow. Then take a nap, go to the beach, call a friend, take a spin on your bike. But please, I implore you, keep loving with an open heart, especially that part of you that needs the love the most- the he/she that rests peacefully until something or someone stirs them awake. Finding the way to soothe this he/she, this older, but not necessarily wiser part of you, is a sure-shot way to inner peace and the knowing that when push comes to shove, you are way-way a-ok.
With sleepy eyes and a big grin of knowing and LOVE always,